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“Sean cooper. Here if you have social anxiety. If you have more severe shyness or or if you ve had trouble all your life in forming close connections friendships relationships people then this video is going to be very very important for you in this video. I m going to talk about something i call toxic shame.
I ll explain what it is how it s actually at the core of a lot of your problems. And some symptoms. So how you can tell if you really do have toxic shaymin. If it really is the issue that s at the core of your social anxiety.
Or shyness. What is toxic shame. First let me explain the difference between normal shame and toxic shame. I looked in the dictionary.
And the definition for shame is a painful feeling caused by consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. So regular shame is a feeling imagine a little boy who sees some money in his mom s purse. And he decides to take the money and then his mom catches him she finds out about it and that little boy feels shame in that situation shame is just the feeling that little boy is going to feel the shame for a few minutes or maybe. An hour or two and hopefully because of the shame.
He s not going to do the action. Again normal shame is about something that you did but toxic shame. Which is what i m talking about in this video is not shame about something that you did it s shame about who you are as a person people who have toxic shame. Feel like at their core.
You re a flawed or defective. Or inferior person toxic shame. Makes you feel like you re unworthy of love or belonging your connection in my mind toxic shame is maybe one of the most destructive emotions or things someone can have because toxic shame..
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Isn t just a feeling that you get and then it passes toxic shame follows you re around when you have it like a dark cloud of your head it can infect every area of your life it can make you isolated from other people it can rob you of feeling connected or having friends it can lead you into a spiral downward of depression it can even affect your physical health. I was reading a couple articles before i record this video and scientists have found that emotions like chronic shame lead to mental stress. And that type of constant stress leads to all types of health issues like cardiac issues later in life. It also makes suppresses your immune system.
So it makes you get sick more. Often shame. Can also lead to being more likely to get addicted to things and other destructive behaviors. So toxic shame is a very bad thing and now let me describe a few symptoms for how to know if you have toxic shame.
Because to be honest not everyone who has shyness or social anxiety has toxic shame. But i believe that toxic shame. Is at the core of a lot of people s social anxiety. So the first big symptom of toxic shame is hiding toxic shame makes you hide from people i remember back in my first year of university.
I was living in the dormitory and i spent most of my time actually hiding from the other people on my floor in the dorm. I turn off the lights. So nobody would know i was inside the room. And even if people knocked on my door or even gave me a phone call.
I would pretend like i wasn t in the room. I was hiding. I was avoiding other people and toxic shame causes you to hide from people in other ways too for example. It makes you hide your thoughts and feelings from people have you ever had a problem of not knowing what you should say when you re around people in social situations.
Back. When i had really bad social anxiety. I d get that issue all the time and later on i figured out that the reason..
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Why is because of toxic shame. See when you feel like you re deeply. Flawed. You don t want to share your true self.
Because you think if you did other people would reject it because you re flawed or defective. You have something wrong with you right. So why would you want other people to see that so toxic shame causes you to hide your thoughts and feelings you filter them you censor yourself you don t feel free to speak. What you re thinking make no mistake when you re around people you are still thinking and they feel like you re having a blank mind.
But there are still observations you re having about the environment. There s thoughts you re having about what other people are saying. But because you have toxic shame. It causes you to censor those thoughts.
And observations. It makes you not feel free to express what you re feeling now the third symptom of toxic shame is your attention toxic shame bias is your attention it makes you focus on certain things and certain thoughts back when i had really bad social anxiety. I remember i d be walking down the street or doing whatever and all of a sudden out of nowhere like getting hit by a truck. I d remember super embarrassing and super painful and humiliating situation from my past and because i was remembering it it caused me to relive all those feelings of embarrassment and humiliation and shame.
And this would happen over and over again sometimes i ve replay these embarrassing memories in my head again and again and again. And what you need to understand is that the toxic shame is controlling your thoughts because the toxic shame is making you think of past memories and thoughts that bring out more shame. So you need to recognize that your thoughts. And and what memories your brain chooses to focus on it s often being dictated by these core emotions that have come into your body the next symptom of toxic shame is physical insecurities back when i had really bad social anxiety.
I had a lot of insecurities about my appearance about how i looked i thought i looked terrible. Most of the time and one thing in particular which i remember being very insecure about was this little gap. I had in my front teeth..
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I had this little gap and i was so insecure about this gap in my teeth that i would be afraid to smile. I would sometimes even be afraid to talk in case people noticed the gap whenever i walked by a mirror. I would pay attention to see how my teeth looked i get a lot of people emailing me to ask me if they re being too short or they re being overweight is what s causing their social anxiety. It s not true there s a lot of short people who are confident.
I know a lot of fat people who are confident. I know a lot of good looking skinny people who have very bad social anxiety. So it s not your physical appearance itself. Which is causing you to feel anxious or shy around people.
It s the toxic shame. Which is making you focus in on any tiny little flaw. You have and it s making you really really focus on that flaw. And even if you actually are ugly or fat keep in mind that there s people out there who also have these defects or flaws.
Who are able to be confident so it s not the flaw itself it s the toxic shame. Which is making you focus on the flaw. Which is further making your confidence go lower and lower and the next symptom of toxic shame. Is secrets people who have toxic shame.
Often have secrets in their life from their past. Maybe. That that makes you think like if anyone ever found out about this secret. You would instantly become like a social outcast.
So you need to understand is that you re not the only person who has personal secrets or shortcomings in reality. It s impossible for everyone to fit into the social norm of what s acceptable so what seems like a unique problem to you whatever secret you have is probably shared by many other people out there. And it s not as unique as you might think the more personal..
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Something is the more universal something is so for example. I m talking in this video about all these personal issues. There s hundreds and thousands of people who are going to watch this video and relate to what i m saying even though these issues seem very personal realize that there s a lot of other people who also share whatever deep dark secret. You might think you have really.
It s the the toxic shame. Is what creates this type of secrecy soap. That gave you a good overview of toxic shame. What it is how to know if you have it and a few other ideas relating to this whole concept shame is not a pretty topic.
It s not something nice to talk about but i feel like if you want to overcome your anxiety or severe shyness around people if you want to learn how to form those close connections and really create a life where you feel more free more light in social situations. You don t have trouble speaking your mind then overcoming toxic shame. It should be one of your number one priorities and i consider it really my privilege to be able to help people to go from a place of feeling defective unworthy. Ashamed of themselves to a different place of feeling more secure and that s my whole goal for you i want you to feel like you are enough as you are when you do get to that point of feeling instead of flawed.
You feel like whole you feel like a whole person like you are enough you re gonna find that talking to people becomes easy. Socializing becomes effortless. Making friends also is just a matter of remembering to keep in touch with people and overall life just becomes much much better so if you re watching this video on youtube head on over to shyness social anxiety calm to check out my other articles and free videos. And you should also know that in my product.
The shyness and social anxiety system. I have two or three sections specifically on how to eliminate toxic shame from your life. I hope this video by itself has even helped you sometimes just getting a new perspective on your issues and realizing why you feel the way you do can also make a huge impact all right so i m sean cooper. And i ll talk to you soon ” .
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description:
In this video, Sean Cooper of http://ShynessSocialAnxiety.com talks about toxic shame, one of the possible core causes of your social anxiety
tags:
Social Anxiety Disorder (Disease Or Medical Condition), Shyness (Quotation Subject), toxic shame, psychology, shame, sean cooper
